By Ronnie Polaneczky
Philadelphia Daily News
Daily News Columnist
THIS IS ONE of those stories that make me want to say "I'm sorry" to gay people for the nonsense they endure from some heterosexuals who give the rest of us straight people a bad name.
So please, Alix Genter, accept my heartfelt apology that you were denied the chance to purchase the wedding gown of your dreams from Here Comes the Bride. The manager of the salon, in Somers Point, N.J., said she didn't want to be associated with your pending "illegal action."
Yep, that's actually how she referred to your wedding, next July, to your longtime partner (whose name you asked me to withhold in this column, as she's publicity-shy). You plan to apply for a civil union in New Jersey, where you live, and to be formally wed in New York, which just legalized gay marriage. But you're also arranging a big, blowout ceremony and reception for 200 at Normandy Farm in Blue Bell, where your family and friends will toast your commitment.
"We are very fortunate in that our families love and support us," you told me yesterday, from your apartment in Highland Park, N.J., near Rutgers University, where you're completing your Ph.D. in history. "They're so excited about our wedding."
And so it came to be that last Saturday, you were at Here Comes the Bride with a cheering section of six well-wishers helping you try on dresses: your mom and dad, your aunt, a cousin and two friends of the family. Yours is the kind of big, engaged clan in which everyone's involved in everyone else's lives, in a good way.
"The fact that even my dad would come to a bridal shop - that should tell you something about how close we all are," you said of your family members, who hail from Huntingdon Valley but spend weekends in Ventnor (hence your bridal shopping at the beach). "I spend almost every weekend with them at the Shore."
Last Saturday's trip to Here Comes the Bride was a typically fun outing. Your mom packed little "gift bags" of muffins and other munchies, and a neighbor contributed a bottle of champagne. Donna, the store manager, asked you not to eat in the salon - "The dresses are white; we don't want stains," she told you - so you saved the party for afterward.
By then, you had reason to pop the cork: You'd found the dress you wanted, but wondered if the manufacturer could use a more-lightweight fabric in the version you'd wear next summer. Donna promised to investigate, and you left the store, delighted.
So how weird it must have been to get a call on Tuesday from Donna (she wouldn't tell you her last name, and she wouldn't tell me, either, when I spoke with her yesterday), and to have a conversation so different from the one you had with her on Saturday.
Apparently, Donna was stunned to learn, after reviewing your customer-information sheet, that you're a lesbian. On the paperwork, you'd crossed out the word "groom" and written "partner" instead, and then inserted your fiancée's name.
"She said she wouldn't work with me because I'm gay," you recalled. "She also said that I came from a nice Jewish family, and that it was a shame I was gay. She said, 'There's right, and there's wrong. And this is wrong.' "
She also said - and you have the voicemail to prove it - that what you were planning was "illegal" and that "we do not participate in any illegal actions."
"I was devastated," you told me. "I was crying. I called her a bigot; I told her, 'I am a happy person and you are a miserable person.' Then she hung up on me."
You admit to using some choice words when you called her back. But trust me, whatever you said was probably poetry compared with what I believe most decent people would've spewed at her on your behalf.
You know what's strange? When I called Donna yesterday to get her side of the story, she both confirmed your version of events and accused you of "stirring up drama." She said that your writing the word "partner" was basically a provocation, evidence of a need "to show that she's different."
"They get that way," she told me.
By "they," she meant women who were fed up with men because "men can be difficult," and so now they "experiment" with female relationships because they're tired of having men boss them around.
She told me about a friend whose wife left him for another woman. And about a young family member who was molested by a same-sex adult male. And about a gay man who once plunged a knife into a chair in the restaurant where she worked. And - she finally lost me here - something about the Navy SEALs.
"It's a lot of drama," she said.
She also found you "aggressive," didn't appreciate your cursing and thought I should speak with your father before writing this column, as she "sensed" his disappointment in your decision to marry a woman.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
The thing is, by the end of the day yesterday, after a few conversations, Donna seemed kind of sorry about what she put you through. Granted, she sounded mostly sorry that people found out about it from the negative review you wrote of your experience on the Yelp business website. But she at least reached out to the woman who'd referred your family to Here Comes the Bride in the first place.
"The friend is going to arrange a meeting between me and the parents," Donna told me, to try to smooth things over. For some reason, she didn't think it would be important to include you, even though you're the one who was treated badly.
Again, I apologize.
First, I must apologize for my absence in the land of blogging. I'm not sure how many of you missed me, but it did feel sort of odd not really having an impetus to write. Though I love to write, I find that when I lack a specific purpose, my wordy rambling just makes me angry - and I'm not the reader.
But, now, for the important stuff...
I like men. It's pretty obvious. At work, I'm often known for looking out for the attractive guys, spotting them before other coworkers. At home, I have photos of Daniel Radcliffe, Jake Gyllenhaal, Elijah Wood, Matthew Morrison (the list goes on) around my room and tacked on a bulletin board. I can't wait for the time when I meet the right guy and am able to start a family and the life that goes with it.
However, just as much as I adore the opposite sex, I love and respect my friends for who they are and the way they live their lives - no matter how different or similar to mine they may be.
In my life, I have been so extremely lucky to cross paths with so many different people. I could never think of a time when I wouldn't have wanted to know a person based on the color of his/her skin, religious background, or sexual preference. A person's character is far more important than the person he or she was born to love (yes - BORN TO LOVE). I credit my family and my friends with shaping me to be the kind of woman that simply doesn't give a crap about stuff that shouldn't matter.
This morning, I saw the cover of the Philadelphia Daily News, and I was horrified.
As I read the story, I continued to feel outrage and sadness. Simply, it just doesn't make sense.
Being in love is not a crime. Discrimination is.
Think about it, someone sold Kate Gosselin a wedding gown. Multiple people sold them to Jennifer Lopez. Look how well that all worked out. Both of these ladies have had children and broken marriages. No one thought to say to J.Lo, "Hey, look, you've tried this before, I'm not gonna help you because it's just not going to work." Just as much as same-sex couples deserve the right to love, marry, and raise families, they should also be afforded to very same opportunity to buy a fucking dress.
I'm sorry. But profanity explains how this makes me feel.
I am certain that there are bridal salons all over the world selling gowns to women whose families do not stand by their decisions to marry the intended GROOMS. BUT, according to a court of law, the union is legal, and - by this Somers Point shop's standard - reason enough to dress the bride-to-be.
More than anything, I don't understand being the kind of person that would deny a woman in love the chance to buy her dream dress and walk down the aisle to whomever waits at the other end (or maybe they'll walk together, who knows). Actually, it's also really dumb because it's a sale, Lady, and times are tough. You're really, really stupid.
There are so many other things going on in this world, and you're worrying about a woman you don't even know marrying another woman you don't know?
At the end of the day, it isn't about the dress, clearly. It's about the sickness of believing that those people that don't live YOUR lifestyle are a lesser citizen, not worthy of the rights of others. It's a horrible, horrible way to live, thinking that you are better than another person for completely bogus reasons.
I usually say that I'll respect others' beliefs as long as they have valid reasons and conviction for feeling such things - and also that they don't force it upon me. In this case, I just can't do it. I can never and will never respect a person that possesses such hatred, allowing him/her to devalue the lives of others.
**My thoughts were far more eloquent in my head... Then I got really angry as I continued writing.**
"Ooo there ain't no other way, baby, I was born this way."
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