When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. Stuck in reverse.

Dictionary.com defines escapism as the avoidance of reality by absorption of the mind in entertainment or in an imaginative situation, activity, etc.

To some degree or another, we all find ways to escape from reality. It's kind of like that Broadway musical, Stop The World, I Want To Get Off. I mean, not completely because that plot really has to do with a womanizer, of sorts. But the title alone suggests the idea of needing everything to be put on hold for just a moment. We need to pause our lives and find something to erase a disappointing thought, time of heartbreak, or maybe just a really bad day.

A lot of people use movies to get away. For two hours, we can sit in a dark theater and be completely absorbed in someone else's situation... or Leonardo DiCaprio's eyes? Maybe that's just me (and millions of other people I don't know). Outside the theater, something completely drastic could be happening, and we'd never know. Have you ever gone to a movie around 3:30 and walked out to an entirely dark sky? One that was bright and sunny when you bought your ticket? It's weird. It is, however, also a strange confirmation that life goes on while you take a little bit of time to forget it's there. I guess it's not that we necessarily need life to stop; we just need a break.

Me? Well, I have a few things. Sometimes, I find a scrapbook project that is all-consuming. I can't split it up over days or months, like a lot of scrappers do. Provided I have all the necessities, I will sit down for hours, surrounded by papers, pictures, and stickers. There's a good chance chronicling a year in the life may take me one day to complete.

I could also watch marathons of "Gilmore Girls" or "Beverly Hills: 90210." I could work on a crossword puzzle that I will never complete.

Yet, I would have to say that my most successful mode of escapism comes in the form of baking.



Give me the supplies - flour, sugar, butter - and I can leave my thoughts for hours. I don't need to like what I'm making; I don't even need to eat it. In a couple hour's time, I'll have something that smells great and hopefully tastes better. Yes, the process is for me. The methodical organization that goes into a proper result takes concentration and thought, everything that guarantees I won't, for a second, have to worry about what was bothering me before I turned on the mixer. But the result might be the very best part. Just as I love giving presents to people and waiting for their reactions, I equally enjoy someone smiling over a delicious dessert they wouldn't have had otherwise.

All this being said... I also write blog entries to get everything out. I have now sufficiently been taken away from my frosting for too long. Another day, another cupcake...

"Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you."

Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could.

I'm gonna go ahead and be pretty up front and honest here.

I want to tell you about some things I'm good at. Ready?

I'm pretty good at waking up as soon as my alarm clock goes off (these days, it plays Jonas Brothers' "Hello, Beautiful). I excel at putting my laundry in the wash and leaving it there once it's done for at least a few hours - maybe even a full day. I also do this really awesome thing where I let magazines pile up on my floor in the hopes of needing them for a future collage project. Oh, and, um, I can almost always guess the price of an item in Gap before it goes on sale.

Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'm also really, really good at holding a grudge - if I want to.

This isn't always the case. I've had arguments with people that I still consider good friends. I've let crappy things go, and I'm thankful a lot of them have done the same for me. We all make mistakes, and, as we grow up, we learn to let memories of the bad stuff wash away. But every once in a while, there can be something unpleasant that sticks with you - an instance you can't forget, a heartbreaking moment that will forever sting.

I realized yesterday that there can absolutely be people that will always hold a place of significance in your life. And I'm not talking about a loved one that is always there for you. This person (or maybe even a few people) will constantly bring up a bit of hatred that you've pushed deep inside. No matter how much time passes, you can never move away from the hatred you feel. If the idea of hate is too strong for you, maybe there's just a severe dislike or a wound that hasn't healed. Perhaps it's a person that never returned amorous feelings. Maybe it's someone that called you out when you were wrong.

Either way, it doesn't matter. It sticks because you associate this person with something important in your life. Hurt. Jealousy. Anger. Any of it. All of it.

When you can't get rid of the grudge, you carry around a huge weight inside. For me, it sits in my heart, and until someone fantastic shows up with talents great enough to erase all the ugly, I will forever be good at holding onto the grudges I have selectively created.

"I'm still mad as hell, and I don't have time to go round and round and round."