Say everybody's changing, and I don't know why.

If you've read any of my entries up to this point, you probably understand the value I put on friendship (see my last entry). Without meaning to, I also seem to focus a lot of attention on the process of growing up... sort of like Meredith Grey, back in the really good, first days of "Grey's Anatomy." It should come as no surprise to any person, my age or older, that both friendship and growing up are very closely linked. At least they are for me.

Often, our friends help to punctuate moments as years pass. We share a number of coming-of-age rites of passage with the people were learn to love and trust in platonic relationships. Prom, graduation, spring break (yeah, not me... but I'm sure for many of you this applies). It's rare that our photo memories don't feature others. I don't know about you, but I don't display self-portaits from proud moments and fun experiences. In those images, I'm always surrounded by friends. Just in front of me, I have a few tacked to my bulletin board: meeting the Jonas Brothers, silly impromptu group photo shoots, old fashioned photos at the beach. I think of each event and smile.

But so many of us change as we get older. It's necessary, right? Even though some of us hold onto valuable core beliefs, it's usually the life experiences that shape us, creating a reformed and informed identity. I hope that most people don't wish to remain that very same person that wrote a sixth grade research paper... mine was on the civil rights movement.

Yet, if we know all of this, how come it's still so sad when we somehow manage to outgrow friends from our past?

Truly, I don't believe it's something to classify as good or bad. It's normal, if you want to call it anything. Thinking about my own set of friends, those that I consider the people I'm closest to in my life, I probably have three good friends from college, two from high school, maybe one from middle school, and bordering one remaining from elementary school. Sure, I still keep in touch with more people than that, especially because we all know how to keep tabs on each other thanks to social networking. Along the way, as we grew into ourselves, we also grew away from each other. Miles can no longer be an excuse when cell phones and Facebook are rarely less than inches away. What I've noticed is that quite a few of my best friends have entered my life post the pivotal "GROWING UP" stages. Though the memories remain, the ties with the old crews start to sever, and we surround ourselves with the people that share in many of the things we've become.

As time goes on, our lives get busier. Our schedules become so packed that we fill the open space with those that have grown along similar paths. Just the same, the ones we used to walk alongside have joined forces with others. We may still pick up the phone occasionally or send an e-mail on a holiday, but we can't always hold ourselves responsible for moving on. Often, it's just an undeniable fact of life. Change is okay. And even if we wanted to, there's nothing we can do to get it to stop.

"But everybody's changing, and I don't feel the same."

When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month...

No one WANTS to be unhappy. I know I shouldn't generalize, but I can't imagine a large portion of the population waking up in the morning saying, "How can I make my day worse than yesterday?" Even The Dark Lord in Harry Potter aimed for satisfaction within evil and terror. He didn't want to make HIS day crappy... just everyone else's.



So how do we become happy? How do we push through a day with a smile?

My answer is simple: surround yourself with the best people you can find. It's not secret that misery loves company, but no one really ever tells you that happiness does too.

When I was a freshman in college at the University of Miami, I was pretty miserable from the first day, and my parents hadn't even left yet. I was often upset just from being so far away from home and a lack of communication with some of my close friends. Because I was the only one to really go a distance to school, I expected my friends to want a vacation. I was 15 minutes from the beach, and I had a roommate that didn't mind people visiting. Only, none of my friends ever made the trip. I very distinctly remember asking one of the girls about it.

"How come no one has ever tried to come here," I asked her.
"Well, you're really unhappy there. Do you think any of us want to see you like that," she asked in return.

Back then, my response was something about how I'd be happier if people made the effort. While I still, in part, think that's true, I now realize that I was so damn crabby all the time that I simply wasn't fun to be around, and it made everyone else sad. I was Debbie Downer.



Throughout my life, I've juggled different groups of friends, moving back and forth, finding myself in the group that I needed at the time. After being in high school and college, I know that your frame of mind can absolutely attract a different kind of person. If you're happy and you aim for the best, you find yourself surrounded by like-minded people. The opposite is true as well. You'll just end up down in the dumps.

Look, we all have our shitty days. Every single person reading this knows I'm right (and modest, ha). Sometimes we want a partner in crime to commiserate with, and the best friends know how to do just that but can also lift you up at the end of the conversation.





"Yes, it sucks. Life is shit... But tomorrow is a new day."

I have written about my friends before, singing their praises and thanking them for what they've brought into my life. This week in particular, I was given the opportunity to spend some time with a handful of them, and I truly realized how much I appreciate the kind of people I have surrounded myself with. In my friends I find different sources of inspiration, support, and encouragement. I can only hope I bring the same to them.



Whether one is a teacher, a volunteer, a student, or a professional... It doesn't matter. They know what to do when I need to laugh, and they know when to let me cry (and then tell me to shut up). They send me messages of kindness and cards of well wishes. Some inspire when they aren't even trying, and some speak the truth with unbridled honesty.

The best part is that they don't have to TRY to be these people. This is my group of friends, and I love them all dearly.

Thank you.



"I'll be there for you 'cause you're there for me too."


Just a note - if you aren't in a photo, it means nada. If you are READING this, you are included in it.

Makeup's all off. Who am I?

In growing up, we begin to learn things about ourselves. This isn't a process that gets realized overnight, and it's not something we can make sense of at the time. Also important - we don't stop noticing these things after high school or college. It's a continuation down a path of self-discovery that shows itself when we're faced with different circumstances.

We don't always like what we see.

In elementary and middle school, I became the kid that took charge of group projects, always taking on the brunt of the academic work, for fear we'd get something less than an "A" grade. In high school, when all of my friends were licensed drivers, I was frequently that one that opted to drive for movie or dinner nights. In college, I became extremely independent when it came to studying. I very rarely wanted to be part of a study group, and I certainly almost never missed a class. My studies were my responsibility, no one else's. During my time in LA, I became extremely concerned with punctuality, adding names of friends to a list of people that had no respect for anyone's time but their own.

And now, well, now I've started to piece it all together. All of these elements of my personality signify a refusal to give up control as well as a penchant for being in charge of situations.

I would have to say this pretty much explains why I've never been drunk or had any desire to experiment with recreational drugs. I don't care to know what it feels like to be out of control or without a strong grasp on my personal presentation. I dislike the idea of an uncertain future just as much as I hate being subjected to someone's bad driving skills. Situations in which I cannot take the reigns and determine my own future are horrifying.

Yes. This means I may just be some form of high-maintenance. Not in the way that I take two hours to get ready to go out (I don't) or that I need 15 products on my face before walking into a public place (absolutely not). But I am demanding in a way that sometimes means "If I don't know how this is going to end, I'd rather just stay home."

I didn't like being a subordinate in an office job, and I ultimately got frustrated with cyclical tasks that were part of the routine. Though I was responsible for doing certain things on my own, at the end of the day, what I was doing didn't have any effect on my life. After a period of time, it was only when I was given a job that was solely my own that I truly felt I could do something that had a significant outcome. I was in a management position, handing out responsibilities and rules. I finally felt happy and at home.

Wanting to be in control isn't something I'm proud of. It inhibits me from letting go, at the very definition of the word, and it creates a negative air that I am happy to most often conceal. Though this aspect of my personality means I'm likely to get a job done successfully (even if I hate it), and that I will present myself in a manner of which I'm capable of upholding, it's not always a pleasant feeling.

For someone like me, holding onto control is actually an amalgamation of different qualities in one's being. I recognize that it's part selfishness - which upsets me, part stubbornness, and - to a great extent - part insecurity. Letting go means we don't know where something may take us. And for an insecure person, the idea of not knowing what may happen is a lot more frightening than knowing what will.

"My attraction paralyzes me. No courage to show my true colors that exist."