In growing up, we begin to learn things about ourselves. This isn't a process that gets realized overnight, and it's not something we can make sense of at the time. Also important - we don't stop noticing these things after high school or college. It's a continuation down a path of self-discovery that shows itself when we're faced with different circumstances.
We don't always like what we see.
In elementary and middle school, I became the kid that took charge of group projects, always taking on the brunt of the academic work, for fear we'd get something less than an "A" grade. In high school, when all of my friends were licensed drivers, I was frequently that one that opted to drive for movie or dinner nights. In college, I became extremely independent when it came to studying. I very rarely wanted to be part of a study group, and I certainly almost never missed a class. My studies were my responsibility, no one else's. During my time in LA, I became extremely concerned with punctuality, adding names of friends to a list of people that had no respect for anyone's time but their own.
And now, well, now I've started to piece it all together. All of these elements of my personality signify a refusal to give up control as well as a penchant for being in charge of situations.
I would have to say this pretty much explains why I've never been drunk or had any desire to experiment with recreational drugs. I don't care to know what it feels like to be out of control or without a strong grasp on my personal presentation. I dislike the idea of an uncertain future just as much as I hate being subjected to someone's bad driving skills. Situations in which I cannot take the reigns and determine my own future are horrifying.
Yes. This means I may just be some form of high-maintenance. Not in the way that I take two hours to get ready to go out (I don't) or that I need 15 products on my face before walking into a public place (absolutely not). But I am demanding in a way that sometimes means "If I don't know how this is going to end, I'd rather just stay home."
I didn't like being a subordinate in an office job, and I ultimately got frustrated with cyclical tasks that were part of the routine. Though I was responsible for doing certain things on my own, at the end of the day, what I was doing didn't have any effect on my life. After a period of time, it was only when I was given a job that was solely my own that I truly felt I could do something that had a significant outcome. I was in a management position, handing out responsibilities and rules. I finally felt happy and at home.
Wanting to be in control isn't something I'm proud of. It inhibits me from letting go, at the very definition of the word, and it creates a negative air that I am happy to most often conceal. Though this aspect of my personality means I'm likely to get a job done successfully (even if I hate it), and that I will present myself in a manner of which I'm capable of upholding, it's not always a pleasant feeling.
For someone like me, holding onto control is actually an amalgamation of different qualities in one's being. I recognize that it's part selfishness - which upsets me, part stubbornness, and - to a great extent - part insecurity. Letting go means we don't know where something may take us. And for an insecure person, the idea of not knowing what may happen is a lot more frightening than knowing what will.
"My attraction paralyzes me. No courage to show my true colors that exist."
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